|
Post by faithfulbutler on Apr 10, 2006 19:02:00 GMT -5
Haven't added for a while,here's one my Wife sent me recently:
On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark.
As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys. One quickly fired a harthingy into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue, semi-conscious Pommie fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and English rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harthingyer asked his buddies, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well" the harthingyer said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know jack about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"
|
|
|
Post by Figuremaster Les on May 19, 2006 10:28:47 GMT -5
This belongs in here more than anywhere else. I had this emailed to me and I can't get the last part of it out of my mind...Let's just say that I'll never trim hedges the same way again. Go here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1kqqMXWEFsEnjoy. I did.
|
|
|
Post by bat89231 on May 31, 2006 8:32:23 GMT -5
Great find Les A young Irish lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Irish kid so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The little Irish lad said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "£101,237.64." He replied. The manager choked and exclaimed "?101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ,I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?". "No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said .........'Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing."
|
|
|
Post by faithfulbutler on May 31, 2006 18:58:58 GMT -5
Hehe,good one!
|
|
|
Post by Figuremaster Les on Jun 1, 2006 0:10:13 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by bat89231 on Jun 1, 2006 2:27:45 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by faithfulbutler on Jun 9, 2006 20:45:18 GMT -5
A Priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
|
|
|
Post by bat89231 on Jun 22, 2006 10:07:42 GMT -5
Hehe, Look what I found ;D :
State Mottos... The way they should be!
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat . . .
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It - Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: Two Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: We Don't Need No Stinkin' Motto!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men . . . and the sheep are scared!
|
|
|
Post by Wild Willy on Jun 25, 2006 22:40:30 GMT -5
Little Johnny was outside playing and his mom looked out to check on him. He was in his li'l wagon with a rope tied to the dog's collar and a second rope tied to the cat's nutz. Mother said, "What are ya doin boy?" Johnny replied "I'm playing Fireman and this is my Fire truck" Mother asked, "don;t you think you would go faster if you tied the second rope to the cat's collar instead?" Johnny answered " Well yes, it would go faster but then I wouldn't have a siren" Will
|
|
|
Post by casimir on Jul 30, 2006 11:44:43 GMT -5
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COST! ELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
|
|
|
Post by Figuremaster Les on Nov 23, 2006 23:12:15 GMT -5
Hadn't seen that last one Cason! That's great! Here's an image for ya! Reckon there's a brown stain down in that guy's kayak? ;D
|
|
|
Post by Wild Willy on Jan 10, 2007 20:04:01 GMT -5
Will ;D
|
|
|
Post by Wild Willy on Apr 14, 2007 10:47:44 GMT -5
Can you cry under water? ------------------------------------------------------------------- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does a round pizza come in a square box? -------------------------------------------------------------------- What disease did cured ham actually have? -------------------------------------------------------------------- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? -------------------------------------------------------------------- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? -------------------------------------------------------------------- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? -------------------------------------------------------------------- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! -------------------------------------------------------------------- If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? -------------------------------------------------------------------- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? -------------------------------------------------------------------- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did you just try singing the two songs above? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
|
|
|
Post by aburabusimbutu on Aug 21, 2007 16:20:14 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by BlackKnight on Nov 27, 2007 1:44:52 GMT -5
What does a Gynecologist & a Pizza delivery driver have in common ? They both get close enough to smell it, however if the eat it, they will get in trouble.
|
|